i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love you. Go after that dick
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