She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
