I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
