I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
