I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
