We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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