we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
