We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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