Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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