I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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