Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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