well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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