i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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