Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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