It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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