video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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