ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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