I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
