hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
