Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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