i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
wakey wakey hands off snakey
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
