Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
