im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
