I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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