Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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