I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
