i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
