I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
