he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
