I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
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We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
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Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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