having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
is that a dick in a sweater?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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