It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
