There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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