Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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