Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
