you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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