Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
