All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
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was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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