coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
