OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
