His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
