why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
