you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
