As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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