I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
