what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
