so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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