she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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