The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
