So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
