So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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