you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
