Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
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It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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