I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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