Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
