I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
