I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
