even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
