I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
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Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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