Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
