I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
