I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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