im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
