I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
