All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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