i need an iv and a liver transplant
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
