Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we made out on top of his cat.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
