he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
