Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
