sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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